27 Messages Received
by haliad
Summary: "The Joker can't come to the phone right now. He's busy on a puppy killing spree. Leave your message at the sound of a shriek." At the end of the day even the Joker has to listen to the incoming calls on his message machine.


_Disclaimer:_ The Dark Knight is owned by Nolan and friends.  
_An:_ This fic is created for (dark) comedic purposes, I wouldn't take it seriously. The setup behind this is that the Joker puts an help wanted ad in the newspaper and makes the mistake of leaving his number to the public. Obviously he's gonna get a lot of anonymous phone calls.

* * *

**Joker:** Ha ha he haw. The Clown Prince can't come to the phone right now. Busy on a puppy and children killing spree. Leave your massage at the sound of the shriek!  
**Man:** Please don't - no - NO - AHHH!

_BEEEEP!_

**27 messages received:**

**Man** _on Thursday 10: 09 AM:_  
Hello Joker? I'm calling about the ad you put in Gotham Times. 'Seeking Henchmen'. Yeah, you weren't too specific about what the job entails. There was no mention of the pay or benefits. Try being more prolific in your ads next time, buddy. (click)

**Hired hitman** _on Thursday 11:01 AM:_  
Joker, I'm calling about those hits you ordered. I think I'm gonna back out of this one. Taking out all the stand-ups in Gotham sounds like a lot of hard work, and I'm just not up for it. You know how it is - I've gotta bad back, my wife is nagging me not to kill her favorite comedian, you understand. I'll find you someone else though. (click)

**Harley Quinn** _on Thursday 11:12 AM:_  
Mistah Jay! It's about time you recorded your messages! I really loved the dead body you left on my porch this morning. It was a doozy trying to explain this to the cops but eventually they let me off. It really shows your appreciation for me. Although I gotta say, a bouquet of flowers might smell a little nicer than a day old rotting corpse. Just a tip. Love ya, Mistah Jay! Call me. (click)

**Widowed wife** _on Thursday 1:20 PM:_  
You've crossed the wrong lady, Joker! My husband is dead 'cause of you, and you're next! (SLAMMED click)

**Harley** _on Thursday 8:45 PM:_  
Hey there, puddin pop! It's your Harlequin again. I'm just sitting here, wondering when you'll call me back. You're probably real busy, what with the killings and the torturing and evading Batman. Gosh that guy really grinds my gears. Whats his problem anyway? Can't he just leave you alone? Anyway, don't forget to call, okay? Love ya, bye. (click)

**Harley** _on Thursday 11:32 PM:_  
Oh come on, puddin, pick up the phone! Don't you wanna rev up your Harley! Vroom, vroom! Pick up, pick up! (click)

**Harley** _on Friday 1:03 AM:_  
I'm missing the sound of your voice, Mistah Jay. Is there a reason you aren't taking my calls? Is it something I did? Because I've done everything you told me to! Like, like, scaring the wits out of that old lady so that she'd have a heart attack, I did that for you! Let me know if there's a problem, okay? (click)

**Harley** _on Friday 3:15 AM:_  
I'm starting to think you don't care for me! I left you 20 text messages this past hour and you haven't replied to any of them! I'm real worried. I've sat by the phone all night, wondering when you would call. Please Mistah Jay. (click)

**Toby** _on Friday 4:02 AM:_  
It's Toby. Call me. (click)

**Harley** on Friday 7:37 AM:  
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? I look in the paper this morning and WHAT DO I FIND? 'Joker Seeks New Henchgirl'. THE NERVE! I gave up everything for you, EVERYTHING! Fired from Arkham! DO YOU KNOW HOW CORRUPTED YOU GOTTA BE TO GET FIRED FROM THAT DUMP? Parents disowned me, they say I'm a disgrace to the Quinzel family for what I've done. I ROBBED A BANK FOR YOU, AND I CLEANED UP THAT RAT HOLE THAT YOU CALL A LAIR. I do all these things for you without question, I even go down to Gotham Harbor despite the fact that the smell of fish makes me ill! What the hell you want with fish anyway, huh? WHATS WITH THE FISH-(beep)

**Harley** _on Friday 7:38 AM:_  
YOUR STUPID BEEP CUT ME OFF! You know Mistah Jay, I've had it with you. I do all these things and for what? So you can treat me so horribly? I'm through, retired from villainy. Good luck finding a girl who'll put up with your CRAP! Goodbye PUDDIN! (click)

**Snake** _on Friday 2:48 PM:_  
Uh, so I'm calling about your henchmen ad. Is having a criminal record a plus? My name is Snake, call me at 355-2535. (click)

**Telemarketer lady** _on Friday 4:00 PM:_  
Hello, would you be interested in switching to GMI long distance service? If so please contact GMI at 1800 SwitchGMI. Thats 1800 SwitchGMI. (click)

**Obvious teenage prank caller** _on Friday 6:07 PM:_  
Hey, this is Harvey Dent calling from the grave! You're gonna get yours, Joker! You are gonna get yours! I'll haunt you till you go insane. Um, insaner. Rue the day you messed with Harvey Two-Face Dent!.…. Heh, do you think he bought it? Yeah I hung up! Wait… Oh shi- (click)

**Harley** _on Friday 7:13 PM:_  
Oh gosh Mistah Jay, please erase my last phone call from memory. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean any of it! You can call me whenever you feel like it, just please forgive me. Love you, XOXOs from your puddin Harley. (click)

**Same prank caller** _on Friday 7:22 PM:_  
Hey, it's Batman! Hahaha. Remember that time that I kicked your ass and got you thrown in Arkham? Yeah, guess where you're headed again, dude? Oh and by the way, that clown make up makes you look totally gay. Just saying… (click)

**Polite neighbor** _on Saturday 8:01 AM:_  
Hi, I'm the tenant that lives below you. Uh, I don't know how to say this without offending you, but the sounds of falling bodies against the floor above us keeps waking me and my wife up. The screams aren't helping matters much either. We'd move but I've just been laid off work and we can't afford to go anywhere else. So please, try to be a little more mindful of your activities. Thanks. (click)

**Random man** _on Saturday 3:55 PM:_  
Er, wrong number. (click)

**Mr Francis** _on Saturday 5:59 PM:_  
Mister Joker, my name is Mister Francis from the Gotham Office of Copyrights. Regarding your request for the royalties to all the joker fish residing in Gotham Harbor… I'm sorry, thats just not a request that our company can fulfill… Please don't send that Harley Quinn woman over to our offices again. Thank you. (click)

**The Riddler** _on Monday 11:34 AM:_  
Riddle me this, Joker! Riddle me this… Ah wait, I wrote this down on a piece of paper somewhere. Dammit, where did I put it? Give me a second, Joker. I had the riddle written out all nearly. It is a stumper... I just - have to sort through my paperwork here - ah no no no no NO! My coffee spilt all over my desk, my files, my hard work, all ruined! Oh no, my boss is coming. (click)

**Cheryl** _on Monday 5:33 PM:_  
Hey Joker? I just wanted to say that my friend totally has the hots for you! (Britney) Oh my god Cheryl, hang up! (Cheryl) And its probably cause you've got such a snazzy outfit. (Britney) Hang up now! (Cheryl) 'Kay bye! (click)

**Man** **heavily breathing** _on Tuesday 4:34 AM:_  
...Hey clown (drawn out pause)... you're real purty you know that? (creepy groaning noise) (click)

**Crying young woman** _on Wednesday 10:58 AM:_  
Why are you doing this to me? What did I ever do to you? All these cards, these notes you leave me, they're driving us crazy! My whole family is in fear of their lives! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, JOKER? _WHAT DO YOU WANT?_ (sobbing now) (click)

**Phone company** _on Wednesday 3:29 PM:_  
Hello Mister Joker? This is your phone company. We've called to remind you that you've neglected to pay your bill since… well, since you signed up for our plan. Sadly, our only way of contacting you is by phone. I don't know what to say. Please call back so we can discuss your payment plan. (click)

**Harley** _on Thursday 11:52 AM:_  
Hiiii Mistah Jay! I saw a dead dog on the highway this morning and I thought of you. Ring me up, yeah? Love ya. Tootles. (click)

**Attorney** _on Thursday 1:08 PM:_  
Joker, this is your attorney calling with a reminder: you have got to stop killing people! I mean it. If Gotham Police Department manages to hunt you down again, no judge or lawyer will want to send you back to Arkham Asylum, and that makes my job all the more difficult. Everybody wants you in jail, and I don't blame them. Crashing a bus full of nuns is not exactly gonna help your case, Joker. Think about it. (click) 


End file.
